Celebrating Vanessa's centenary

Perthshire, 2011: this website celebrates the life of Vanessa Andrews, 100 years old this year, from her unfortunate beginnings, through her eccentric career to the mystery of her current whereabouts. The mother of at least 3 highly successful children, fashion incon, adventurer and expert Labrabor counsellor, Vanessa has had an extraordinary life.

Vanessa: the early days

Even from her earliest days Vanessa was to show the beginning of the fashion sense for which she was to become well known in adult life. She is seen here with her sister, both of them showing their strong connection to Scotland and shoes even at this age.
Vanessa's obsession with speed led to many unfortunate incidents with lawn mowers, cows, steam trains, wedding limousines and, as seen here, her rocking horse. Fortunately no pictures survive from the hearse racing.


Vanessa: the formative years

Modelling for sailors' catalogues brought in a few welcome shillings but the famous psychologist Professor Hans Grumpenflieger has theorised that Vanessa's ability to talk for hours at a time without taking a breath stems from being deprived of company in her childhood.

An early brush with the law over horse rustling was easily brushed off when Vanessa blamed it all on her younger sister.



Vanessa: the lost years

  This picture is one of the few from her time in Edinburgh to show Vanessa with her poor son Edward before the 'Richard Branson incident.'

Vanessa rarely speaks of her spell in captivity with white slavers in Micronesia. This one surviving photo shows her completing her escape craft, having convinced her captors that it was a dog kennel.

A short spell as a nun working with disadvantaged youths gave spiritual satisfaction, but Vanessa was eventually thrown out for being much too naughty.


It's not known exactly how many children Vanessa has had but the three that she admits to got mixed up with a dangerous crowd from Eastern Europe and for a while there was a real danger that they might go over to the dark side.


Despite their hard start in life, Vanessa's children have turned out remarkably well, and this has nothing to do with any blackmail hold that Vanessa may or may not have over Richard Branson.

  Sir Edward now manages the Scotland football team
Sir Thomas' fruit and veg empire now dominates Western Europe.  
  Lady Phoebe's international network of spies, fronted as a language school, has helped avert (and cause) many a crisis.


Vanessa: portfolio career

Back in Scotland, Vanessa has enjoyed a varied life, starting off showing people around her house. This came to a bit of an embarrassing end after the allegations from Japanese tourists of cash for sexual favours in the Hirohito Room.
Vanessa's famous laid back style led to only limited success in World Tractor Racing.
Abject terror led to a swift end to the test pilot job.
Returning to modelling, Vanessa was the lead model for Belgian clothing company Brugges Gear, even helping design some of their range of shoes and handbags.
A spell with Country Casual proved lucrative but the incident of the dog and the photographer put an end to her contract.
Since dropping out of the modelling circuit there have been many rumours about Vanessa's current activities, from Highland Haggis breeder to international assassin, but this snap grabbed by an unknown (and now violently deceased) photographer in Tibet suggests that Mongol Warlord may now be on her CV. We wish her every success.

© Vanessa Andrews Fan Club www.MadLady.com - September 2011